Chinwarmer Challenge

Scooperts New Beard
Based loosely on
The Emperor’s New Suit
by
Hans Christian Andersen
(1837)
Many, many tours ago lived a Scoopert, who thought so much of new facial hair that he spent all his money in order to obtain it; his only ambition was to have the best man beard in town. He did not care for his witches, and the Hockey did not amuse him; the only thing, in fact, he thought anything of was to drive out and show a new lock of facial hair. He had a hair on his chin for every hour of the day; and as one would say of a king “He is in his cabinet,” so one could say of him, “The scoopert is at his barbers.”
The great city where he resided was very gay; every day many strangers from all parts of the globe arrived. One day two swindlers came to this city; they made people believe that they were amazing hairdressers, and declared they could manufacture the finest beard to be imagined. Their colours and patterns, they said, were not only exceptionally beautiful, but the beard made of their material possessed the wonderful quality of being invisible to any man who was seen as a Gaylord, Gandu unfit for his office or unpardonably stupid.
“That must be wonderful hair ,” thought the Scoopert. “If I were to be dressed in a beard made of this hair I should be able to find out which men in my Cult were unfit for their places, and I could distinguish the clever from the stupid. I must have this beard without delay.” And he gave a large sum of money to the swindlers, in advance, that they should set to work without any loss of time. They set up hair growing devices far too complicated for mere words to describe, and pretended to be very hard at work, but they did nothing whatever on the complicated hair growing machines. They asked for the finest Razors and the most precious gold scissors; all they got they did away with, and worked at the empty complicated machines till late at night.
“I should very much like to know how they are getting on with the beard although it is a shame that I have to shave off this old one,” thought the Scoopert. But he felt rather uneasy when he remembered that he who was not fit for his office could not see it. Personally, he was of opinion that he had nothing to fear, yet he thought it advisable to send somebody else first to see how matters stood. Everybody in the town knew what a remarkable quality the stuff possessed, and all were anxious to see how bad or stupid their neighbours were.
“I shall send my honest old wing witch to the barbers,” thought the scoopert. “He can judge best how the stuff looks, for he is intelligent, and nobody understands his office better than he.”
The good old witch went into the room where the swindlers sat before the empty beard growing machines. “Heaven preserve us!” he thought, and opened his eyes wide, “I cannot see anything at all,” but he did not say so. Both swindlers requested him to come near, and asked him if he did not admire the exquisite pattern and the beautiful colours, pointing to the beard growing machines. The poor old minister tried his very best, but he could see nothing, for there was nothing to be seen. “Oh dear,” she thought, “can I be so stupid? I should never have thought so, and nobody must know it! Is it possible that I am not fit for my office? No, no, I cannot say that I was unable to see the beard.”
“Now, have you got nothing to say?” said one of the swindlers, while he pretended to be busily grooming the “magical wonderful man hair”.
“Oh, it is very pretty, exceedingly beautiful,” replied the witch looking through his glasses. “What a beautiful pattern, what brilliant colours! I shall tell the scoopert that I like the beard very much.”
“We are pleased to hear that,” said the two barbers, and described to him the colours and explained the curious pattern. The old witch listened attentively, that she might relate to the scoopert what they said; and so she did.
Now the swindlers asked for more money, silk and golden scissors, which they required for styling. They kept everything for themselves, and not a hair came near the complicated beard growing device, but they continued, as hitherto, to work at the empty complicated machines.
Soon afterwards the scoopert sent the honest Laura Ball to the barbers to see how they were getting on, and if the beard was nearly finished. Like the fire’y Irish witch, she looked and looked but could see nothing, as there was nothing to be seen.
“Is it not a beautiful piece of cloth?” asked the two swindlers, showing and explaining the magnificent pattern, which, however, did not exist.
“I am not stupid,” said Laura Ball. “It is therefore my good appointment for which I am not fit. It is very strange, but I must not let any one know it;” and Bally praised the hair, which she did not see, and expressed her joy at the beautiful colours and the fine pattern. “It is very excellent,” she said to the scoopert.
Everybody in the whole town talked about the precious cloth. At last the scoopert wished to see it himself, while it was still on the complicated beard growing machine. With a number of courtiers, including the two who had already been there, he went to the two clever swindlers, who now worked as hard as they could, but without using any hair.
“Is it not magnificent?” said the two old stateswitches who had been there before. “Your Scoopness must admire the colours and the pattern.” And then they pointed to the empty beard growing machine, for they imagined the others could see the hair.
“What is this?” thought the Scoopert, “I do not see anything at all. That is terrible! Am I stupid? Am I forced to become a Hockey Gaylord and not the scoopert? That would indeed be the most dreadful thing that could happen to me.”
“Really,” I said, turning to the barbers, “your hair has our most gracious approval;” and nodding contentedly I looked at the empty beard growing device, for I did not like to say that I saw nothing. All my Witches, who were with me, looked and looked, and although they could not see anything more than the others, they said, like the scoopert, “It is very beautiful.” And all advised me to show it off for Halifax and to shave off my old one, for the new magnificent beard at a great hockey facial hair procession which was soon to take place. “It is magnificent, beautiful, excellent,” scoopert heard them say; everybody seemed to be delighted, and the scoopert appointed the two swindlers “Imperial Court Barbers.”
The whole night previous to the day on which the procession was to take place, the swindlers pretended to work, and burned more than sixteen candles. People should see that they were busy to finish the scooperts new beard. They pretended to take the beard from the beard growing device, and worked about in the air with big scissors, and sewed all the strands together with needles without thread, and said at last: “The scooperts new beard is ready now.”
The emperor and all his witches then came to the hall; the swindlers held their arms up as if they held something in their hands and said: “This is the moustache!” “side burns!” and “chin hair!” and so on. “They are all as light as a cobweb, and one must feel as if one had nothing at all upon ones face; but that is just the beauty of them.”
“Indeed!” said all the witches; but they could not see anything, for there was nothing to be seen.
“Does it please your Scoopness now to graciously shave,” said the swindlers, “that we may assist your scooperness in putting on the new beard before the large looking-glass?”
The scoopert shaved off his old hair, and the swindlers pretended to put the new beard upon him, one piece after another; and the scoopert looked at himself in the glass from every side.
“How well they look! How well they fit!” said all. “What a beautiful pattern! What fine colours! That is a magnificent beard of Man!”
The master of the ceremonies announced that the bearers of the canopy, which was to be carried in the procession, were ready.
“I am ready,” said the scoopert. “Does not beard fit me marvellously, does it look false ?” Then he turned once more to the looking-glass, that people should think he admired his garments.
The witches , who were to carry the train, of the beard in their hands to the ground as if they lifted up a train, and pretended to hold something in their hands; they did not like people to know that they could not see anything.
The scoopert marched in the procession under the beautiful canopy, and all who saw him in the street and out of the windows exclaimed: “Indeed, the scoopert new beard is incomparable! What a long train he has! How well it fits him!” Nobody wished to let others know he saw nothing, for then he would have been unfit for his office or too stupid or even a gaylord . Never was scooperts beard more admired.
“But he has no beard at all,” said a little reed at last. “Good heavens! listen to the voice of an innocent reed,” said the father, and one whispered to the other what the reed had said. “But scoopert has nothing on his chin at all,” cried at last the whole people. That made a deep impression upon the scoopert, for it seemed to him that they were right; but he thought to himself, “Now I must bear up to the end.” And the witches walked with still greater dignity, as if they carried the train which did not exist.